Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Advent Christmas Epiphany

Created: 10 December 2009

Explaining Advent

Advent is the beginning of the church year in the Western church. It begins on the Sunday closest to St Andrew’ Day (November 30). The origins of the season can be traced back to approximately the 4^th century. One tradition had the season starting on St Martin’s Day (November 11) which the Greek church still follows.  Some traditions regarded it as a fast leading up to Epiphany (January 6).

The colour for advent in churches that use seasonal colours is purple, the same as Lent. In the Roman church Advent included a period of fasting similar to Lent. But the royal symbolism of purple also fits the season that looks forward to the coming of the King.

The word “advent” means coming, and refers to the coming of Christ. Traditionally there have been two main focuses, one on his first coming and the other on his second coming.  Although the incarnation is part of the story of his first coming, Advent is not a celebration of the birth of Christ. That season begins on December 25 and continues for 12 days until Epiphany.

In recent times the Christmas season has been put in reverse with  the season of Advent being used as a period of celebrating and anticipating the birth  of Christ, culminating (instead of beginning) on Christmas Day.

Read more: Explaining Advent

Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Church Life

Created: 08 November 2009

Conflict in the Church

Helps for Leaders

1. Conflict

Conflict is a part of human relations. It can range in degree from minor differences of opinion to murder and war. It is difficult to deal with when it becomes conflict between persons in church. This article outlines some of the sources or triggers of conflict in a church in order to aid understanding and suggests some strategies to deal with it.  It is written to help ministers and other church leaders. Not all criticism or difference of opinion needs to lead to conflict. But sometimes conflict develops because of the issues, sometimes because of the people involved, and sometimes because of both.

2. Triggers

Loyal Opposition

This is a constructive difference of mind between people who are in a secure and loyal relationship to one another. It is like gold. Listen hard and strengthen these relationships.

Criticism

Constructive

From whatever motive the criticism is true or can lead to positive outcomes.

Cultural

People who want something to be like what they were used to in their previous church, family, country, town, marriage .... Or like another church/minister/event they value highly.

Doctrinal/Ecclesiastical

Differences about theology or church practice.

About Change

Some criticism is symptomatic of fear of change. It is coping with change that is the deeper issue rather than the presenting problem.

Performance

Are you doing as well as the previous minister, as people expect you to, as Moses or Jesus would do?

Personal/Family

Criticism of your lifestyle, your children's behaviour, your spouse's choice of clothes...

Anonymous Letters

These are usually hurtful, often slanderous and commonly wrapped up in spiritual or religious jargon. If you have to read them throw them away immediately, don't repeat their contents and don't show them to others. You may need to deal with the hurt caused (with your spiritual mentor or other helpful person).

Transference

Sometimes criticisms may be about something other than the presenting issue. Sometimes people wrongly put upon leaders the responsibility to meet various needs - to be a father figure, a perfect child etc. Sometimes they unconsciously confuse the leader with their spouse, parent, or employer - and transfer their anger, frustration, or sexual desire on to the leader instead of the appropriate person.

3. The People Behind the Conflict

Ordinary People

Most people involved in conflict are ordinary people who probably don't have a clear understanding of the process of conflict or even the issues being debated. They are well meaning and don't start off polarised. Some are the gatekeepers and proprietors of the church. Many are loyal friends.

"Professional" critics

These are people who perhaps have problems with authority figures; or who have major personal problems; or who have an exaggerated view of their own abilities or knowledge.

Trouble makers

John Simpson the General Superintendent of the Baptist Union of Victoria lists some characteristics of what he calls troublemakers.

* TM's are usually long term church members.

* TM's are mostly to be found in the leadership structure of the church.

* TM's, to their credit, are often very active in the life of the church but usually in areas of ministry where they have control over others.

* TM's are functional in their church involvement. They thrive on getting things done but in ways which have no regard for the effect on others.

* Many TM's come from a professional or business background.

* It is by no means uncommon for a TM to be actively involved in some form of para church ministry.

TMs are rescuers and controllers. They have a high view of their own abilities and insight, they network, see things in black and white and will gather to themselves the unsettled and concerned.

Not all critics are troublemakers.

Damaged people

Some people carry many hurts from past years. They have suffered at the hands of others, including church leaders, but the hurts have never been healed, nor the issues resolved. But all this is submerged. They present as able caring spiritual people, keen to help and active in church life. They are hard to pick at first. They will often begin in victim mode and having gained sympathy change to a focussed aggression towards the leader. Division is the normal consequence. But congregations can stand against them. They have most power in public meetings.

4. Handling Conflict

Recognise the power brokers

Each congregation has different power brokers. Not all are in positions of leadership. In fact sometimes the power is greater if they are not in any accountable position. Build relationships with those who influence others.

The Leader's Strength

The leader/minister may be one of the sources of trouble outlined in section 3 above. However to help a church resolve conflict the leader will need confidence in their call; in themselves; and in God. Such strength needs to be of the meek kind described in Philippians 2 and Matthew 5. Getting one's ego tangled up in the issues will certainly prolong and worsen the conflict.

The Leader's Weaknesses

The way the leader responds to criticism, or opposition, will make a difference to whether conflict develops. Sometimes the leader is insecure and defensive. When they have allowed their ego to become mixed up with their ministry, it is more difficult to be objective about what others are saying. Ignorance is only a weakness if the leader is unwilling to benefit from the wisdom of others.

Leading in a Team

Leadership is generally better done in a group. When conflict threatens this is certainly the case. Make sure you work with other leaders in the congregation to understand the issues, to work out strategies, and to build relationships with the critics. Working in a team means others will be able to communicate better than you with some of the opposition.

Conciliation responses

Thomas Fischer outlines 12 conciliation responses to conflict. The six healthy ones are:

•Overlooking the unimportant

•Discussion

•Negotiation

•Mediation

•Arbitration

•Church discipline

Submitting to Review

Allow your leadership team to review your ministry regularly.

Articles by Thomas Fischer and John Simpson are available here.

Dale Appleby 2000

Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Christian Living

Created: 08 November 2009

Masculine Ways of Grieving

An article Masculine Responses to Loss: Clinical Implications in the Journal of Family Studies (Vol 4, No 2, October 1998, pp143-158) by Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin questions the common view that men are at a disadvantage in grieving with an apparent inability to express feelings and find social support.

By contrast they put forward the idea that there are gender differences in grieving. They describe a pattern of grieving they call masculine grief which although gender related is not gender specific - some women grieve this way too. This masculine grief is different they say, but not deficient.

Rather than use the terms mourning or grieving the authors prefer the term adaptation "to indicate the process of adjusting to a loss both internally and externally." Instead of models based on a grieving process, they use a task model to understand the way people adapt to loss. They suggest five basic tasks: "accepting the reality of loss; experiencing and working through the feelings associated with grief; readjusting to a changed life; emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life; ... rebuilding faith or philosophical systems that have been challenged by loss."

Their review of research showed that men and women choose different strategies to adapt to loss. Men were more task and protective oriented and less inclined to join self help groups. They quote one researcher who said, "Men grieve just as intensely as their wives, but their expression of grief may take different forms."

So what is the masculine pattern of grieving? In general their answer is that "feelings are moderated and grief is often processed cognitively, behaviourally and solidarily."

They describe four main characteristics of male grieving.

• Moderated feelings: masculine grievers do have feelings but may not express them as outwardly, anger may be a more readily available feeling, they deal with their real feelings by redirecting their energies, they may have a world view that encourages them to take control and master the crisis.
• Cognitive Experience: Masculine grievers may work more with cognitions explaining their grief or problem-focussed strategies that help them adapt and protect.
• Problem-Focussed Activity: Masculine grievers may adapt to loss by practical hands-on finding solutions to problems associated with the loss.
• Desire for Solitude: Support groups are not favoured by masculine grievers. This may be a desire to master their own feelings and also reflect the more practical behaviour involved in adapting to a loss.

The authors suggest some implications for counselling including assisting problem-solving and protective action; acknowledging cognitions and diminished feeling expression; bibliotherapy and physical activity.; affirming and validating their process of adapting rather than criticising the lack of feeling expression.

Dale Appleby

Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Death and Resurrection of Christ

Created: 08 November 2009

"It is Finished" John 19.28-30

Understanding the Death of Jesus

"Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:28-30, NIV.

One of Mozart's greatest works is his Requiem. Written at the end of his life when he was pressed with other work and in poor health it contains some of his most sublime music. Yet he did not complete it. He died leaving instructions to his friend to finish it off.

But Jesus at the end of his life knew that all was completed. "It is finished!" he cried out as he died.

1. What was completed at his death?

All that he came to do is the simple answer. "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work." John 4:34, NIV. Later as he prayed to his Father he said, "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." John 17:4, NIV.

What was this work which the Father gave Jesus to do? Three images help us understand his world-changing task. In John's gospel Jesus is described as the Lamb of God, as the good shepherd and as the one who overthrows the evil ruler of this world.

1.1 The Lamb of God

" The next day John saw Jesus coming towards him and said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" John 1:29, NIV.

John the Baptist is telling us about a sacrificial lamb. A lamb provided by God whose death takes away sin.

1.2 The Good Shepherd

" The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." John 10:10,11, NIV.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me-- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father--and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life-- only to take it up again. No-one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."" John 10:14-18, NIV.

This strange passage tells us that the shepherd will give his life for the sheep. Not under pressure, not because he couldn't avoid it, but willingly by his own choice. Abundant life, life to the full is directly related to the death of the shepherd for the sheep.

1.3 The Overthrower

" Now is the time for judgment on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself." He said this to show the kind of death he was going to die." John 12:31-33, NIV.

Part of Jesus' job was to get rid of the ruler of the world, the devil. Chasing out the world's evil ruler would happen as an act of judgement. Now, instead of following the prince of the world, people would be drawn to Jesus as their ruler. The astounding thing is that it was his death on the cross that drove out the evil ruler and drew people to himself.

So what was the job that he completed?

Sin was taken away. Life to the full was available. The world's evil ruler was removed. People were drawn to Jesus.

2. How did Jesus bring this job to its completion?

The amazing thing is that it was Jesus' death which took away the sins of the world. It was his death which brought fullness of life to his sheep. It was his death which overthrew the ruler of the world. This astounding paradox is at the heart of Christianity.

It is no wonder that at his death, Jesus cried out "It is finished!" It was his death which completed the work. Without Jesus' death the job his Father sent him to do would not have been done. It would have been an unfinished job.

3. What his death accomplished.

3.1 Forgiveness

Jesus took our sins on himself. He took responsibility for our guilt. He died in our place so that we could go free. So that our sins would not be counted against us.

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24, NIV.

This was a gracious act of God who put Jesus forward as our substitute.

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21, NIV.

The result is that our sins are not counted against us. Just as David said,

"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit." Psalm 32:1,2, NIV.

What a liberating gift! How wonderful to know that God has removed our sin and guilt. That every day we can go to bed knowing that all our sins have been forgiven.

3.2 Abundant life

Life is what humans want. But where can it be found? Are we born with it? Or is there more to life than that? Jesus knew that real life consisted in knowing God

"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." John 17:3, NIV.

The death of Jesus allowed us into relationship with God again. It gave us permission to relate to God as pardoned sinners. Without pardon we cannot know God or be friends with him. Jesus' death removed the obstacles that stood between God and us, that is our sin and guilt. It cleared the way for God to relate to us as reconciled children. Now we can experience the abundant, flourishing, powerful, exhilarating life that God pours into us every day.

3.3 Freedom from the rule of the devil

History shows us the long standing power of evil in the world. Everywhere people have lived, evil has corrupted their lives and messed up the wonderful and beautiful things they do. Secular history has been at a loss to explain this. But the bible is clear that it is the result of the entry of evil into the world. At first through the presence of Satan and then through submission of humans to his deceits.

Satan tries to deceive us and lure us away from what is right. And then he loves to offer us futile ways of getting right with God. Any way will do - religious, secular, as long as it does not work. In the end his goal is to accuse humans of sinning. To get God to agree that the sinners deserve eternal death. But the death of Jesus removed the grounds of Satan's accusations. He has nothing now to point at in us.

Because of Jesus' death we can be forgiven and counted by God as innocent. Even by tempting us to sin he cannot remove us from the people whom God regards as holy. His power is broken. Now we can live under a godly ruler who helps us live in company with God. Jesus' rule offers hope to the world - rescue from evil is certain. His rule offers hope for us to live God's way.

4. How can this benefit me?

"But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31, NIV.

• Believe Jesus is the Son of God; the Christ who came to give his life for you.

• Believe in Jesus- put your trust in him. Believe he can take away your sin, give you life to the full, rescue you from the power of sin.

• Give up ignoring him. Give up running your life yourself. Give up trying to do right by God yourself.

• Ask forgiveness. Ask Jesus to take away all your sin and guilt. Ask for the full divine life. Ask to know and be known by God himself.

• Commit yourself to following Jesus, loving and obeying him. Decide to give yourself body and soul; to do whatever he wants.

"And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:15, NIV.

A sermon by Dale Appleby

Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Doctrine

Created: 08 November 2009

Holy Sinners

The paradox of sanctification

God's destiny for us is to be conformed to the likeness of his Son (Rom 8.29). One aspect of that destiny is to be holy like Jesus "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." Ephesians 1:4. We are to be holy like the one who called us is holy (Lev 11.44; 1 Pet 1.15,16). God's will for us is our sanctification (1 Thess 4.3,7).

When we come to talk about holiness or sanctification we are presented with what looks like a puzzle. Christians are spoken of as being saints (holy ones) but are also obviously still sinners, and are urged to be holy. In 1 Corinthians 6.11, Paul reminds the Corinthians of the change that happened to them.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, NIV.

He implies that far from being wicked any longer, they have been sanctified and are now holy.

1. Holy Status

Earlier in 1 Corinthians, Paul said that Christ has become our sanctification (1.30). He is the means by which we are made holy. The writer to the Hebrews says that Jesus is the one who made his people holy by the sacrifice of his body.

"And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all." Hebrews 10:10, NIV.

"And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood." Hebrews 13:12, NIV.

(See also Heb 2.11;10.14,29; Acts 20.32; 26.18; 1 Cor 1.2).

So we are to understand that sanctification results from the death of Christ, and benefits us when we become Christians. That is why we are called saints. God has set us apart from the rest of humanity, and has declared us to be holy. The idea is closely connected to justification. It describes the status we have in God's sight. He has included us in the group of people who are holy.

He has put us into that group despite our continuing sin. We are in the group of holy people because of God's grace, not because we are actually holy in practice. Christ has given his life so that we can be forgiven. Once we understand that sanctification is a gift from God, we are better able to understand why we should be holy in practice.
So sanctification has two parts. One is the gift from God which declares us to be holy and sets us apart into the group of people whom God regards as holy. The other is the holy behaviour which we are called to practise.

2. Holy Living

"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no-one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life." 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7, NIV.

There is no evidence in the New Testament that the gift of a holy status let's us off from being holy in practice. (See 2 Timothy 2:20,21). Indeed a holy character will be looked for in those who hope for heaven.

"Pursue peace with everyone, and the holiness without which no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14, NRSV.

Such holiness is to be found in all aspects of our life - our thoughts and feelings, our body, our inner being - all are to be sanctified.

" May the God of peace himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 5:23, NRSV.

So how do we live a holy life in practice?

The short answer is under the rule of the Holy Spirit. The chief problem we have in leading holy lives is that our sinful nature keeps on giving a foothold to the enemy.

"I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life." Romans 6:19-22, NIV.

Many people think that Christian, biblical, religious, or some other kind of law will help them become holy. The problem with the law is that it is not powerful enough to control the sinful nature. In the place of the Old Testament law God brought grace to bear in our lives (Rom 5.20). This grace has freed us from the mastery of sin (Rom 6.14), because it has brought forgiveness and a new master that is neither law nor sin. The new master is the Spirit (Rom 7.6).

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law." Galatians 5:16-18, NIV.

It is the Holy Spirit who is the one who gives us the power to keep the sinful nature under control, and to resist the temptations of the enemy. It is by the Spirit that we are to put to death the deeds of the sinful nature (Rom 8.13).
It is the Spirit who brings forth in us the character of God (Gal 5.22,23). This fruit of God's character is a result of having God the Holy Spirit living in us. That is why Paul can describe him as the Spirit of life. It is by his operation in our lives that we are able to please God, and do what the law requires (Rom 8.2-4).

Christians live in accordance with the Spirit, and have their minds set on what the Spirit wants (Rom 8.5). Paul says "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;" Romans 8:6, NIV. What kind of a mind is this? It is a mind transformed by the Spirit. He transforms our minds as they are set on the things he wants, that is, the things of Christ (Rom 12.2; 8.5). It is the word of God that the Spirit uses to change us, and direct our lives. Jesus prayed, "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth." John 17:17, NIV. Paul also saw the word having a cleansing effect on the church "...Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word," Ephesians 5:25,26, NIV.

We must never separate word and Spirit, any more than we should separate mind and heart. The two always go together. Apart you either have a dry legalism, or a mystical subjectivism. Neither is biblical Christianity. Holy character is formed in us by the Spirit as our minds are filled with the word of God and our lives live it out in obedience.

3. Holy Sinners

So we need to be clear both about our status as holy people, and about the means by which we are to live holy lives. It is not any technique, pattern of life, habit, program or set of rules, be they evangelical or otherwise. The only way to live a holy life is to submit to the rule of the Holy Spirit who is present in our lives. This is another way of saying that we live by faith in the Son of God (Gal 2.20). We not only trust him for salvation and holy status, but also trust his Spirit as the one who can direct our lives in a way that pleases God.

Holiness in practice is not merely the absence of sin, but rather the presence of godliness. It is the presence of the holy character of God, flowing forth from us, and affecting those we live amongst. It is like salt, like light, it purifies, and exposes, and is opposed. It is a powerful thing. This power of holiness only comes from people who are humbly submitted to doing the will of the Holy Spirit within them. It is a moment by moment reliance on the direction of the Spirit of Jesus and obedience to the word of Jesus.

"let him who is holy continue to be holy." Revelation 22:11, NIV.

Dale Appleby May 30, 2000

Written by: Dale Appleby

Category: Christian Living

Created: 05 November 2009

The Christian Family in the Modern World

1. Pressures on the Family

2. What is a Family?

2.1 The Family in the Old Testament

2.2 The Family in the New Testament

3. A Theological Understanding of Family

3.1 The Creation of Man and Woman

3.2 Marriage as the basis for family

3.3 Marriage as the basis for family health

4. The Christian Family in God’s Purposes

4.1 God’s Family

4.2 God’s Kingdom

4.3 The Christian Family

4.4 The Family and the Faith

4.5 The Extended Family

5. The Christian Household in Modern Society

6. Maintaining the Balance

1. Pressures on the Family

There are many pressures and influences on the modern family. They include:

Demands:

• Work -  longer hours, less security
• Recreation - many choices
• Children’s activities - part of helping the child succeed
• Church programs - people have less time
• Time consumed - activities and travel take up time
• Extended family - also makes demands

Voices and Values: (that are often contrary to the Christian faith)

• TV
• Other religions
• Humanism
• Materialism
• Globalisation
• Hedonism

Other pressures

• Child-centric family life: Life and meaning is sought from children’s life and success
• Loss of responsibility for children (state, school, church)
• Patriarchy and feminism
• Fear and Insecurity
• Desire to get ahead and rise

All of these pressures have the potential to change the way a family behaves, and thus to change the nature of the family. If we understand the biblical basis for the family we will be better able to resist these pressures.

2. What is a Family?

A common understanding of family in the western English speaking world is that it is two parents and their children living in the same house. However the nuclear family is a relatively modern phenomenon which developed as a result of urbanisation after the industrial revolution.

By contrast the Bible describes families in a broader context.

2.1 The Family in the Old Testament

There is no word for family in the Hebrew OT which exactly corresponds to the modern English word for family. Some social groupings are described as tribes, and describe ethnic origins. The common word (beth ab = father’s house) can mean a nuclear family living in the same house (Gen 50.7-8), a wider group of relatives including two or more generations (Gen 7.1; 14.14), and also relatives in a wider sense (Gen 24.38).  Another word refers to a broad group of  relatives and is sometimes translated as “clan” (Num 27.8-11).

In practice, the families described in the OT are households which have a male at the centre of family life. The household consists of all the people, children, other relatives, servants and others who live in the house. Before the time of David family life was concerned with the common needs of employment, food, and protection, and was the place where education, socialisation, and religious education took place.

Although there were strengths in this pattern of life, there were many abuses. There are many examples in the OT of dysfunctional families (eg Isaac’s, Jacob’s, David’s ).

The centralisation of the nation in Jerusalem under David and Solomon brought about changes similar to those that happened in other cultures. There was a shift of authority from the family head to the central power. Families had to contribute to the common needs (as Samuel said they would—1 Sam 8.10-18).  Later, as the nation moved from one crisis to another, debt increased and the wealthy bought up the land of the poor, and even the poor themselves (Is 5.8-10; Amos 2.6-8).

2.2 The Family in the New Testament

The Jewish family in the NT is structured in the same kind of way as the household in the OT.  There is an emphasis on ethnic origins and on the role of the father. The Greco-Roman family is also an extended household, ie it included all those who lived in the house. There is no word in Greek which exactly corresponds to the modern idea of a nuclear family. This extended household was the basic social unit of society.  The common word is ‘house’ (oikos), or the phrase ‘one’s own’.

The NT has a number of so-called ‘household codes’ (Col 3.18 - 4.1; Eph 5.21 - 6.9; 1 Pet 2.18 - 3.7;  1 Tim 2.8-15; 6.1-2; Tit 2.1-10).  These instructions may have been intended to help members of Christian households live in ways acceptable to their culture. On the other hand the fact that they address husbands, wives, parents, children and slaves suggests a particularly Christian teaching was being applied to the life of the home. We should note that  these passages are not referring to the family as a unit but to various sets of relationships in the household itself.

3. A Theological Understanding of Family

Observing how families are structured and behave in the Bible is helpful. However it does not tell us everything we need to know about family. An indication of this is Paul’s discussion in Ephesians 5.  There appears to be a tension in this passage between a patriarchal practice and a more fundamental theological unity between husband and wife. A unity that can be compared to Christ’s unity with his body the church.

3.1 The Creation of Man and Woman

The theological basis for family is not fatherhood, even though that becomes a common way of describing families.

Genesis 1 describes the creation of humans as male and female.

Gen 1:26 (RSV) Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

The human, who is both male and female, is created in the image of God, or as the image of God. The meaning of this is made clear in v26. They are to have dominion over all the living things on the earth.

Verse 28 extends this mandate. They are to be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it. The man and the woman together are to do this because the man and woman together is what humanity is.

Gen 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

Genesis 2 pictures the relation between the man and the woman in a different way.

Gen 2:20 (RSV) The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22 and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said,

"This at last is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman,

because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.

The woman is made as the only helper who matches the man. It is not good for the man to be alone (v18), and the LORD provides someone, unlike the animals, who corresponds to him, who is his complement, or matching opposite. In fact the man recognises the woman as the same stuff as him, “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”.  But she is not identical to him, she is his complement.

She is given to help him. This does not mean she is stronger or weaker than him, but rather that what he needs to do cannot be done by him alone.

The woman is called Ishshah by the man.  In this passage the Hebrew word for man is Adam until the end of verse 23 when Ish is used.  She is Ishshah to describe where she came from. She was not made by the man, but from the man.  So in verse 24, the Ish leaves his father and mother and sticks to his Ishshah and they become one flesh.

The passage suggests that something more profound than a birth relationship is being established by this union. The man and the woman are one flesh in a way in which the parents and child are not.

Leave or forsake is not primarily about a change of locality, rather it is about a change of priorities and obligations.  [In a rural society the couple would  usually live on the property of the man’s parents.] The husband’s highest human obligations are no longer to his parents but to his wife.  She must be considered ahead of his mother and father.  He has to forsake all human obligations that will prevent him giving his first loyalty to his wife.  And the same applies to the wife.

Cleaving, uniting, or sticking to his wife, refers to a permanent relationship.  It also refers to the strong passion and desire that the husband has for his wife, and she for him.

Becoming one flesh is not just referring to the sexual, physical union.  It describes the fact that the two are now related to each other as if they were one being.

These two passages in Genesis describe a basis for the relation of a man and a woman in marriage that is free of most of the later social structures.

3.2 Marriage as the basis for family

This discussion of Genesis 1 and 2 suggests that the basis for family life is to be found in the marriage of the man and the woman.

One of the questions this raises is whether children are necessary to a marriage? Although Genesis 1 makes clear that the humanity of man and woman is to multiply and fill the earth, the essence of their marriage is their unity together as one flesh. Children are a fruit of that union.

So this reminds us that family life is first of all married life. It is in the sticking together of the man and the woman that a family has its life. But one of its purposes is to have descendants.

When we look at Jesus’ teaching about divorce it is clear that he was affirming the importance of the union of two people in marriage and did not want it weakened by treating the woman as someone who could be disposed of by legal games.

Paul also has a view of marriage that affirmed the real unity and equality of the man and woman in marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7.1-5, he speaks about one of the areas which is most abused in a patriarchal society—sex. Paul says two remarkable things in this passage. One is that each has authority over the other’s body. There is no suggestion here that the husband has some right over the wife’s body which she does not have over his. The second thing is that the decision about sexual activity is to be a mutual one. It is not the right of the husband any more than it is the right of the wife to decide whether they should stop sexual relations.

In Eph 5.21ff, Paul is instructing the believers he is writing to about how they should relate to one another. In verse 21 he makes a general statement to everyone that each should submit, or be subject, to one another because of reverence for Christ. In verse 22 he does not use a verb because the verb used in verse 21 is still the verb that gives the meaning of the sentence.

What follows in 5.21 - 6.9, are a set of instructions to various members of the church: husbands and wives, parents and children, and slaves and masters. In each pair of relationships he gives instructions about how each should be subject to the other.

Eph 5:21 (NRSV)  Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind-yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body.  31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. 33 Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

The wife subjects herself to her husband because he is the head who gives his life for her. The husband is to subject himself to his wife by loving her as Christ loved the church—by giving his life for her.

Children subject themselves to their parents by obeying them. Fathers subject themselves to their children by bringing them up to know the Lord. Similarly with slaves and masters.

So the life of the Christian household mirrors that of the church. The relationships in the household are based on mutual subjection of each to the others. This in turn is based on Christ’s relationship with his church.

The mutual subjection of wife and husband reflects the subjection of Christ who gave his life for the church (see also Phil 2.1-11), as well as the subjection of the church to Christ. And the oneness of the man and the woman who become one flesh in marriage reflects the unity between Christ and the church.

Beyond this the other relationships in the extended family are all based on appropriate subjection of one to the other. In my definition, being subject to someone means putting yourself in the position where you can serve the other person in a way that is appropriate to your relationship with them.

3.3 Marriage as the basis for family health

One of the implications of what we have seen so far is that  it is the relationship of husband and wife that provides life and health to the family. In the ‘household codes’ it is relationships that are lived according to the scriptures that are most important—not activities, nor the prosperity of the household.

It is from the love of the wife and husband—in the first place for each other— that the life of the family grows.  Their love nurtures their children. This is important for parents to understand because there is a temptation for parents to draw their life from the children (2 Cor 12.14).

4. The Christian Family in God’s Purposes

Is the family at the centre of God’s purposes? At the beginning when God started to make covenants with humans, he made them with families of people—Noah, Abram, Jacob.

4.1 God’s Family

The promises of blessing and salvation were made to individuals and their descendants. At each stage the group who receives the promise becomes a smaller part of the original family. From Abraham, the promise is made to Isaac and not to Ishmael; to Jacob and not to Esau. Later within the tribe of Judah God makes a covenant with David and his descendants.

It is at this stage that we see more clearly that David has become a representative of, or a sign pointing to, someone else. After David and Solomon the prophets begin to speak about another David—one of his descendants who will be the one who will save the people.

Before his birth Mary was told that Jesus was the one who would reign over the house of Jacob and be given the throne of his father David (Luke 1.32,33). But as the story unfolded it was clear that Gentiles were to be included as well (Luke 2.29-32).

The house of Jacob was to be opened up to Gentiles so that what began as an ordinary human family was transformed into a family of God, and what began as a small select tribe became something like the original family of Adam. In fact it was the family of the last Adam.

Paul describes what happened in Ephesians 2.11-22. Those who were for a time outsiders and not members of the family or nation of Israel had been brought near to God through the blood of Christ, and the two great divisions of humanity—Jew and Gentile—had been made one new man, one new humanity in Christ. This new group is the body of Christ, it is the people of God, the household of God, the house where God lives, the temple where God dwells by his Spirit.

So the family of Abraham that carried the promise has been transformed into the church where the promises come to fulfilment. Paul refers to the church as a family in Eph 3.14,15, and prays that within its life the members may have such love for each other that they experience in their life together the presence of God himself (Eph 3.16-19).

It is within the church, the body of Christ, where the promises of God are being fulfilled and worked out in practice, that the human family has its life.

So the family is not now at the centre of God’s purposes, although it is located in the place where God’s purposes are bring fulfilled, ie in the church. The household is not an eternal entity, and in heaven there will be no marriage or giving in marriage (Matt 22.30).

4.2 God’s Kingdom

Another way to understand this is in terms of the kingly rule of God in the world. When Jesus began teaching and preaching he made it clear that God’s kingly rule was breaking into the world as he spoke. It became clear that he himself was the King. He called people to follow him. He set obedience to himself higher than loyalty to family (Matt 10.34-39; 12.46-50; Luke 9.59-61).

At the same time he expected his disciples to fulfil the law in their families: there was to be no animosity in the family (Matt 5.21-24), no adultery or desire for someone else (Matt 5.27-30), and no divorce (Matt 5.31-32).

Jesus expected his disciples to behave like this in their families but his call to them was higher than their family life.

4.3 The Christian Family

In the Bible the family is the place where humans are fruitful and multiply. It is the place where humans are taught to fear God, and to learn and remember what he has said (Deut 6.4-10).

The Christian household has a crucial role in God’s purposes because the relationships in the household are also relationships within the church family. It is within the household that some aspects of the life of God must be nurtured.

Bringing up children is a role for the home. Teaching children the faith is a role for parents before it is a role for the church. Workplace relations for families that employ staff is the responsibility of the family before it is a responsibility of the state.

So one of the crucial tasks of the leaders of a household is first to understand what their family is and how it fits into God’s purposes. Secondly they must put energy into the main tasks of a family:

• Practising mutual submission, ie behaving to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for their different roles
• Building each other up in the faith of Christ
• Teaching their children and others in the house so that they know Christ
• Maintaining behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards

4.4 The Family and the Faith

The parents and especially the father have a responsibility to provide for the family's life -including their spiritual growth.

1. Real faith in God can be shared by all members of a household.  Children don't need adult sophistication to have faith in God.  They naturally and concretely believe.  What they lack is not faith but the experience of putting that faith into action.  The parent must let that faith become the doorway to experience by helping children apply it in everyday affairs.  It is not enough for children to pray bedtime prayers.  Help them also pray in faith for things related to their or their family's life (e.g. a sick sister).  In this way they will begin to see their faith working in specific concrete ways.

2.  The parents act like priests in the family.  They bring the life of God to their children and they bring their children to God.  This two way role is vital to the spiritual health of the family.  Parents must be both intercessors for their children and providers of the life of God for them.

3.  The family must not only depend on God in faith.  It must also acknowledge the Lordship of Christ over every aspect of its life.  It must be a submissive family: one that together submits all its plans and resources to Jesus as its Lord.

4.  The family thus becomes a witness.  It becomes a centre of stability, peace and love.  It has, by virtue of the power of its life an attraction to others.  It displays to the world the love of Christ.  It also becomes one of the means of others experiencing the love and life of God.

5.  There are many ways to pass the faith on to children in the home.  You don't have to instruct your children the way someone else does.  In fact the methods you use will vary according to the ages of the children.  The combination of children in your home will also influence how you go about it.  More important than the methods is the attitudes and lifestyle of the parents.  Live in a right relationship with God yourself and the children will learn it. Unfortunately with the high status of school, some feel that Christian education in the home should be like school. However the Bible affirms the value of  informal relational teaching in the home (Deut 6.4-9). In fact this may be a better model for Christian education than the school model.

6.  One of the contexts for the nurture of children is the church.  They are part of the same body and family as their Christian parents.  So encourage your children to be part of the church meeting.  Allow others to minister to them.  Encourage your church to welcome children and treat them as equal members of the body.

4.5 The Extended Family

In 1 Timothy 5 Paul gives a variety of instructions to different people in the church. Part of this discussion concerns widows (vv3-16) and who should look after them. Not all of them should be looked after—they should marry again (v11-15). Those who need to be looked after should be looked after by their relatives—children, grandchildren and others (v3-8, 16).

The main idea is that the church should not be burdened by those who can be helped by their family, so that the church can help those who are really without help. This principle can be extended to include other kinds of needs.

5. The Christian Household in Modern Society

In this study we have attempted to understand the nature of the Christian family and how it fits into God’s purposes.  We have already identified the main tasks of members of a family:

• Practising mutual submission, ie behaving to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for their different roles
• Building each other up in the faith of Christ
• Teaching children and others in the house so that they know Christ
• Maintaining behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards.

Many of the pressures on the family identified in Section 1 weaken, and in some cases undermine,  the life of the family.

Parents, in particular, and any who make a contribution to family life can help strengthen the life of Christian households.

They can do this by:

Taking back responsibility. In many cases others have taken responsibility away from the home for things the home should do best. In many cases this has been with the agreement of parents. Either because parents felt unequipped, or because they did not want to, or because they were persuaded. Some things have been taken away by stealth, ie through electronic media. So take back responsibility for teaching the faith, values, behaviour and a Christian world view.

Living for each other not the children. The life of the family depends on the love of the parents for each other. It is not helped by making the children the centre of its life, nor by making material prosperity the focus. Children need parents’ love more than  their money.

Giving up seduction and delusion. The family has become an idolatrous symbol in parts of the modern world. The fame and reputation of a family in society  (seen generally in the work or financial success of parents and the academic success of children) is based on unbiblical values. Teach yourself and your children biblical values.

Dealing with guilt, mistaken expectations and wrong desires. We may feel guilty because we have not brought up our family as others said we should, or we may be have had wrong aims in bringing up our children. We may have wanted them to be what we wanted to be. Or we may have hoped they would make life easier for us. This cluster of traps may be the result of our own wrong thinking, or it may be the result of what others have  told us or expected of us. In either case, deal with them by repentance and renunciation.

Do what families should do:

• Practise mutual submission, ie behave to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for your different roles
• Build each other up in the faith of Christ
• Teach children and others in the house so that they know Christ
• Maintain behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards.

6. Maintaining the Balance

The family is not a concept which can be used as the basis for deciding between all the demands and responsibilities we face as Christians. We need a higher order allegiance than the family.

We have already seen that the Christian household is not a self-contained entity. It is not an eternal group. It is a God appointed grouping in which the gift of marriage is enjoyed and in which children are nurtured, taught and brought up.

It is one of a number of groups we are part of and is a sub-group of the church. Christians have other responsibilities and callings which are not directly related to the human family.

The family does not have the highest priority over all our life as Christians.

The higher allegiance which must act as the basis for all Christian decision making is our obedience to Jesus the Lord.  From that primary loyalty all our obedience flows:

• Our service as disciples of Jesus
• Our membership of and ministry in the church
• Our life as husband, wife, parent or child
• Our life as workers in, and members of, society

In principle he is the Lord who calls us and orders all our life, all aspects of which are commissioned by him.

In practice we make these decisions through the guidance of:

• The scriptures
• The Holy Spirit
• Brothers and sisters
• Our common sense
• Circumstances

and with much prayer.

Further Reading

The New Bible Dictionary

The New Dictionary of Biblical Theology

The Dictionary of New Testament Background

All published by IVP

Seminar Paper delivered at All Saints Leadership Centre Jakarta on November 18, 2006

Copyright © Dale Appleby 2006