The Christian Family in the Modern World
2.1 The Family in the Old Testament
2.2 The Family in the New Testament
3. A Theological Understanding of Family
3.1 The Creation of Man and Woman
3.2 Marriage as the basis for family
3.3 Marriage as the basis for family health
4. The Christian Family in God’s Purposes
4.1 God’s Family
4.2 God’s Kingdom
4.3 The Christian Family
4.4 The Family and the Faith
4.5 The Extended Family
5. The Christian Household in Modern Society
1. Pressures on the Family
There are many pressures and influences on the modern family. They include:
Demands:
- Work - longer hours, less security
- Recreation - many choices
- Children’s activities - part of helping the child succeed
- Church programs - people have less time
- Time consumed - activities and travel take up time
- Extended family - also makes demands
Voices and Values: (that are often contrary to the Christian faith)
- TV
- Other religions
- Humanism
- Materialism
- Globalisation
- Hedonism
Other pressures
- Child-centric family life: Life and meaning is sought from children’s life and success
- Loss of responsibility for children (state, school, church)
- Patriarchy and feminism
- Fear and Insecurity
- Desire to get ahead and rise
All of these pressures have the potential to change the way a family behaves, and thus to change the nature of the family. If we understand the biblical basis for the family we will be better able to resist these pressures.
2. What is a Family?
A common understanding of family in the western English speaking world is that it is two parents and their children living in the same house. However the nuclear family is a relatively modern phenomenon which developed as a result of urbanisation after the industrial revolution.
By contrast the Bible describes families in a broader context.
2.1 The Family in the Old Testament
There is no word for family in the Hebrew OT which exactly corresponds to the modern English word for family. Some social groupings are described as tribes, and describe ethnic origins. The common word (beth ab = father’s house) can mean a nuclear family living in the same house (Gen 50.7-8), a wider group of relatives including two or more generations (Gen 7.1; 14.14), and also relatives in a wider sense (Gen 24.38). Another word refers to a broad group of relatives and is sometimes translated as “clan” (Num 27.8-11).
In practice, the families described in the OT are households which have a male at the centre of family life. The household consists of all the people, children, other relatives, servants and others who live in the house. Before the time of David family life was concerned with the common needs of employment, food, and protection, and was the place where education, socialisation, and religious education took place.
Although there were strengths in this pattern of life, there were many abuses. There are many examples in the OT of dysfunctional families (eg Isaac’s, Jacob’s, David’s ).
The centralisation of the nation in Jerusalem under David and Solomon brought about changes similar to those that happened in other cultures. There was a shift of authority from the family head to the central power. Families had to contribute to the common needs (as Samuel said they would—1 Sam 8.10-18). Later, as the nation moved from one crisis to another, debt increased and the wealthy bought up the land of the poor, and even the poor themselves (Is 5.8-10; Amos 2.6-8).
2.2 The Family in the New Testament
The Jewish family in the NT is structured in the same kind of way as the household in the OT. There is an emphasis on ethnic origins and on the role of the father. The Greco-Roman family is also an extended household, ie it included all those who lived in the house. There is no word in Greek which exactly corresponds to the modern idea of a nuclear family. This extended household was the basic social unit of society. The common word is ‘house’ (oikos), or the phrase ‘one’s own’.
The NT has a number of so-called ‘household codes’ (Col 3.18 - 4.1; Eph 5.21 - 6.9; 1 Pet 2.18 - 3.7; 1 Tim 2.8-15; 6.1-2; Tit 2.1-10). These instructions may have been intended to help members of Christian households live in ways acceptable to their culture. On the other hand the fact that they address husbands, wives, parents, children and slaves suggests a particularly Christian teaching was being applied to the life of the home. We should note that these passages are not referring to the family as a unit but to various sets of relationships in the household itself.
3. A Theological Understanding of Family
Observing how families are structured and behave in the Bible is helpful. However it does not tell us everything we need to know about family. An indication of this is Paul’s discussion in Ephesians 5. There appears to be a tension in this passage between a patriarchal practice and a more fundamental theological unity between husband and wife. A unity that can be compared to Christ’s unity with his body the church.
3.1 The Creation of Man and Woman
The theological basis for family is not fatherhood, even though that becomes a common way of describing families.
Genesis 1 describes the creation of humans as male and female.
Gen 1:26 (RSV) Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
The human, who is both male and female, is created in the image of God, or as the image of God. The meaning of this is made clear in v26. They are to have dominion over all the living things on the earth.
Verse 28 extends this mandate. They are to be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it. The man and the woman together are to do this because the man and woman together is what humanity is.
Gen 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."
Genesis 2 pictures the relation between the man and the woman in a different way.
Gen 2:20 (RSV) The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22 and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said,
"This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man." 24 Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.
The woman is made as the only helper who matches the man. It is not good for the man to be alone (v18), and the LORD provides someone, unlike the animals, who corresponds to him, who is his complement, or matching opposite. In fact the man recognises the woman as the same stuff as him, “bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”. But she is not identical to him, she is his complement.
She is given to help him. This does not mean she is stronger or weaker than him, but rather that what he needs to do cannot be done by him alone.
The woman is called Ishshah by the man. In this passage the Hebrew word for man is Adam until the end of verse 23 when Ish is used. She is Ishshah to describe where she came from. She was not made by the man, but from the man. So in verse 24, the Ish leaves his father and mother and sticks to his Ishshah and they become one flesh.
The passage suggests that something more profound than a birth relationship is being established by this union. The man and the woman are one flesh in a way in which the parents and child are not.
Leave or forsake is not primarily about a change of locality, rather it is about a change of priorities and obligations. [In a rural society the couple would usually live on the property of the man’s parents.] The husband’s highest human obligations are no longer to his parents but to his wife. She must be considered ahead of his mother and father. He has to forsake all human obligations that will prevent him giving his first loyalty to his wife. And the same applies to the wife.
Cleaving, uniting, or sticking to his wife, refers to a permanent relationship. It also refers to the strong passion and desire that the husband has for his wife, and she for him.
Becoming one flesh is not just referring to the sexual, physical union. It describes the fact that the two are now related to each other as if they were one being.
These two passages in Genesis describe a basis for the relation of a man and a woman in marriage that is free of most of the later social structures.
3.2 Marriage as the basis for family
This discussion of Genesis 1 and 2 suggests that the basis for family life is to be found in the marriage of the man and the woman.
One of the questions this raises is whether children are necessary to a marriage? Although Genesis 1 makes clear that the humanity of man and woman is to multiply and fill the earth, the essence of their marriage is their unity together as one flesh. Children are a fruit of that union.
So this reminds us that family life is first of all married life. It is in the sticking together of the man and the woman that a family has its life. But one of its purposes is to have descendants.
When we look at Jesus’ teaching about divorce it is clear that he was affirming the importance of the union of two people in marriage and did not want it weakened by treating the woman as someone who could be disposed of by legal games.
Paul also has a view of marriage that affirmed the real unity and equality of the man and woman in marriage. In 1 Corinthians 7.1-5, he speaks about one of the areas which is most abused in a patriarchal society—sex. Paul says two remarkable things in this passage. One is that each has authority over the other’s body. There is no suggestion here that the husband has some right over the wife’s body which she does not have over his. The second thing is that the decision about sexual activity is to be a mutual one. It is not the right of the husband any more than it is the right of the wife to decide whether they should stop sexual relations.
In Eph 5.21ff, Paul is instructing the believers he is writing to about how they should relate to one another. In verse 21 he makes a general statement to everyone that each should submit, or be subject, to one another because of reverence for Christ. In verse 22 he does not use a verb because the verb used in verse 21 is still the verb that gives the meaning of the sentence.
What follows in 5.21 - 6.9, are a set of instructions to various members of the church: husbands and wives, parents and children, and slaves and masters. In each pair of relationships he gives instructions about how each should be subject to the other.
Eph 5:21 (NRSV) Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind-yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. 33 Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.
The wife subjects herself to her husband because he is the head who gives his life for her. The husband is to subject himself to his wife by loving her as Christ loved the church—by giving his life for her.
Children subject themselves to their parents by obeying them. Fathers subject themselves to their children by bringing them up to know the Lord. Similarly with slaves and masters.
So the life of the Christian household mirrors that of the church. The relationships in the household are based on mutual subjection of each to the others. This in turn is based on Christ’s relationship with his church.
The mutual subjection of wife and husband reflects the subjection of Christ who gave his life for the church (see also Phil 2.1-11), as well as the subjection of the church to Christ. And the oneness of the man and the woman who become one flesh in marriage reflects the unity between Christ and the church.
Beyond this the other relationships in the extended family are all based on appropriate subjection of one to the other. In my definition, being subject to someone means putting yourself in the position where you can serve the other person in a way that is appropriate to your relationship with them.
3.3 Marriage as the basis for family health
One of the implications of what we have seen so far is that it is the relationship of husband and wife that provides life and health to the family. In the ‘household codes’ it is relationships that are lived according to the scriptures that are most important—not activities, nor the prosperity of the household.
It is from the love of the wife and husband—in the first place for each other— that the life of the family grows. Their love nurtures their children. This is important for parents to understand because there is a temptation for parents to draw their life from the children (2 Cor 12.14).
4. The Christian Family in God’s Purposes
Is the family at the centre of God’s purposes? At the beginning when God started to make covenants with humans, he made them with families of people—Noah, Abram, Jacob.
4.1 God’s Family
The promises of blessing and salvation were made to individuals and their descendants. At each stage the group who receives the promise becomes a smaller part of the original family. From Abraham, the promise is made to Isaac and not to Ishmael; to Jacob and not to Esau. Later within the tribe of Judah God makes a covenant with David and his descendants.
It is at this stage that we see more clearly that David has become a representative of, or a sign pointing to, someone else. After David and Solomon the prophets begin to speak about another David—one of his descendants who will be the one who will save the people.
Before his birth Mary was told that Jesus was the one who would reign over the house of Jacob and be given the throne of his father David (Luke 1.32,33). But as the story unfolded it was clear that Gentiles were to be included as well (Luke 2.29-32).
The house of Jacob was to be opened up to Gentiles so that what began as an ordinary human family was transformed into a family of God, and what began as a small select tribe became something like the original family of Adam. In fact it was the family of the last Adam.
Paul describes what happened in Ephesians 2.11-22. Those who were for a time outsiders and not members of the family or nation of Israel had been brought near to God through the blood of Christ, and the two great divisions of humanity—Jew and Gentile—had been made one new man, one new humanity in Christ. This new group is the body of Christ, it is the people of God, the household of God, the house where God lives, the temple where God dwells by his Spirit.
So the family of Abraham that carried the promise has been transformed into the church where the promises come to fulfilment. Paul refers to the church as a family in Eph 3.14,15, and prays that within its life the members may have such love for each other that they experience in their life together the presence of God himself (Eph 3.16-19).
It is within the church, the body of Christ, where the promises of God are being fulfilled and worked out in practice, that the human family has its life.
So the family is not now at the centre of God’s purposes, although it is located in the place where God’s purposes are bring fulfilled, ie in the church. The household is not an eternal entity, and in heaven there will be no marriage or giving in marriage (Matt 22.30).
4.2 God’s Kingdom
Another way to understand this is in terms of the kingly rule of God in the world. When Jesus began teaching and preaching he made it clear that God’s kingly rule was breaking into the world as he spoke. It became clear that he himself was the King. He called people to follow him. He set obedience to himself higher than loyalty to family (Matt 10.34-39; 12.46-50; Luke 9.59-61).
At the same time he expected his disciples to fulfil the law in their families: there was to be no animosity in the family (Matt 5.21-24), no adultery or desire for someone else (Matt 5.27-30), and no divorce (Matt 5.31-32).
Jesus expected his disciples to behave like this in their families but his call to them was higher than their family life.
4.3 The Christian Family
In the Bible the family is the place where humans are fruitful and multiply. It is the place where humans are taught to fear God, and to learn and remember what he has said (Deut 6.4-10).
The Christian household has a crucial role in God’s purposes because the relationships in the household are also relationships within the church family. It is within the household that some aspects of the life of God must be nurtured.
Bringing up children is a role for the home. Teaching children the faith is a role for parents before it is a role for the church. Workplace relations for families that employ staff is the responsibility of the family before it is a responsibility of the state.
So one of the crucial tasks of the leaders of a household is first to understand what their family is and how it fits into God’s purposes. Secondly they must put energy into the main tasks of a family:
- Practising mutual submission, ie behaving to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for their different roles
- Building each other up in the faith of Christ
- Teaching their children and others in the house so that they know Christ
- Maintaining behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards
4.4 The Family and the Faith
The parents and especially the father have a responsibility to provide for the family's life -including their spiritual growth.
1. Real faith in God can be shared by all members of a household. Children don't need adult sophistication to have faith in God. They naturally and concretely believe. What they lack is not faith but the experience of putting that faith into action. The parent must let that faith become the doorway to experience by helping children apply it in everyday affairs. It is not enough for children to pray bedtime prayers. Help them also pray in faith for things related to their or their family's life (e.g. a sick sister). In this way they will begin to see their faith working in specific concrete ways.
2. The parents act like priests in the family. They bring the life of God to their children and they bring their children to God. This two way role is vital to the spiritual health of the family. Parents must be both intercessors for their children and providers of the life of God for them.
3. The family must not only depend on God in faith. It must also acknowledge the Lordship of Christ over every aspect of its life. It must be a submissive family: one that together submits all its plans and resources to Jesus as its Lord.
4. The family thus becomes a witness. It becomes a centre of stability, peace and love. It has, by virtue of the power of its life an attraction to others. It displays to the world the love of Christ. It also becomes one of the means of others experiencing the love and life of God.
5. There are many ways to pass the faith on to children in the home. You don't have to instruct your children the way someone else does. In fact the methods you use will vary according to the ages of the children. The combination of children in your home will also influence how you go about it. More important than the methods is the attitudes and lifestyle of the parents. Live in a right relationship with God yourself and the children will learn it. Unfortunately with the high status of school, some feel that Christian education in the home should be like school. However the Bible affirms the value of informal relational teaching in the home (Deut 6.4-9). In fact this may be a better model for Christian education than the school model.
6. One of the contexts for the nurture of children is the church. They are part of the same body and family as their Christian parents. So encourage your children to be part of the church meeting. Allow others to minister to them. Encourage your church to welcome children and treat them as equal members of the body.
4.5 The Extended Family
In 1 Timothy 5 Paul gives a variety of instructions to different people in the church. Part of this discussion concerns widows (vv3-16) and who should look after them. Not all of them should be looked after—they should marry again (v11-15). Those who need to be looked after should be looked after by their relatives—children, grandchildren and others (v3-8, 16).
The main idea is that the church should not be burdened by those who can be helped by their family, so that the church can help those who are really without help. This principle can be extended to include other kinds of needs.
5. The Christian Household in Modern Society
In this study we have attempted to understand the nature of the Christian family and how it fits into God’s purposes. We have already identified the main tasks of members of a family:
- Practising mutual submission, ie behaving to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for their different roles
- Building each other up in the faith of Christ
- Teaching children and others in the house so that they know Christ
- Maintaining behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards.
Many of the pressures on the family identified in Section 1 weaken, and in some cases undermine, the life of the family.
Parents, in particular, and any who make a contribution to family life can help strengthen the life of Christian households.
They can do this by:
Taking back responsibility. In many cases others have taken responsibility away from the home for things the home should do best. In many cases this has been with the agreement of parents. Either because parents felt unequipped, or because they did not want to, or because they were persuaded. Some things have been taken away by stealth, ie through electronic media. So take back responsibility for teaching the faith, values, behaviour and a Christian world view.
Living for each other not the children. The life of the family depends on the love of the parents for each other. It is not helped by making the children the centre of its life, nor by making material prosperity the focus. Children need parents’ love more than their money.
Giving up seduction and delusion. The family has become an idolatrous symbol in parts of the modern world. The fame and reputation of a family in society (seen generally in the work or financial success of parents and the academic success of children) is based on unbiblical values. Teach yourself and your children biblical values.
Dealing with guilt, mistaken expectations and wrong desires. We may feel guilty because we have not brought up our family as others said we should, or we may be have had wrong aims in bringing up our children. We may have wanted them to be what we wanted to be. Or we may have hoped they would make life easier for us. This cluster of traps may be the result of our own wrong thinking, or it may be the result of what others have told us or expected of us. In either case, deal with them by repentance and renunciation.
Do what families should do:
- Practise mutual submission, ie behave to each other in ways that accept full responsibility for your different roles
- Build each other up in the faith of Christ
- Teach children and others in the house so that they know Christ
- Maintain behaviours in the household that are in accordance with godliness and generally accepted standards.
6. Maintaining the Balance
The family is not a concept which can be used as the basis for deciding between all the demands and responsibilities we face as Christians. We need a higher order allegiance than the family.
We have already seen that the Christian household is not a self-contained entity. It is not an eternal group. It is a God appointed grouping in which the gift of marriage is enjoyed and in which children are nurtured, taught and brought up.
It is one of a number of groups we are part of and is a sub-group of the church. Christians have other responsibilities and callings which are not directly related to the human family.
The family does not have the highest priority over all our life as Christians.
The higher allegiance which must act as the basis for all Christian decision making is our obedience to Jesus the Lord. From that primary loyalty all our obedience flows:
- Our service as disciples of Jesus
- Our membership of and ministry in the church
- Our life as husband, wife, parent or child
- Our life as workers in, and members of, society
In principle he is the Lord who calls us and orders all our life, all aspects of which are commissioned by him.
In practice we make these decisions through the guidance of:
- The scriptures
- The Holy Spirit
- Brothers and sisters
- Our common sense
- Circumstances
and with much prayer.
Further Reading
The New Bible Dictionary
The New Dictionary of Biblical Theology
The Dictionary of New Testament Background
All published by IVP
Seminar Paper delivered at All Saints Leadership Centre Jakarta on November 18, 2006
Copyright © Dale Appleby 2006