Masculine Ways of Grieving

An article Masculine Responses to Loss: Clinical Implications in the Journal of Family Studies (Vol 4, No 2, October 1998, pp143-158) by Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin questions the common view that men are at a disadvantage in grieving with an apparent inability to express feelings and find social support.

By contrast they put forward the idea that there are gender differences in grieving. They describe a pattern of grieving they call masculine grief which although gender related is not gender specific - some women grieve this way too. This masculine grief is different they say, but not deficient.

Rather than use the terms mourning or grieving the authors prefer the term adaptation "to indicate the process of adjusting to a loss both internally and externally." Instead of models based on a grieving process, they use a task model to understand the way people adapt to loss. They suggest five basic tasks: "accepting the reality of loss; experiencing and working through the feelings associated with grief; readjusting to a changed life; emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on with life; ... rebuilding faith or philosophical systems that have been challenged by loss."

Their review of research showed that men and women choose different strategies to adapt to loss. Men were more task and protective oriented and less inclined to join self help groups. They quote one researcher who said, "Men grieve just as intensely as their wives, but their expression of grief may take different forms."

So what is the masculine pattern of grieving? In general their answer is that "feelings are moderated and grief is often processed cognitively, behaviourally and solidarily."

They describe four main characteristics of male grieving.

• Moderated feelings: masculine grievers do have feelings but may not express them as outwardly, anger may be a more readily available feeling, they deal with their real feelings by redirecting their energies, they may have a world view that encourages them to take control and master the crisis.
• Cognitive Experience: Masculine grievers may work more with cognitions explaining their grief or problem-focussed strategies that help them adapt and protect.
• Problem-Focussed Activity: Masculine grievers may adapt to loss by practical hands-on finding solutions to problems associated with the loss.
• Desire for Solitude: Support groups are not favoured by masculine grievers. This may be a desire to master their own feelings and also reflect the more practical behaviour involved in adapting to a loss.

The authors suggest some implications for counselling including assisting problem-solving and protective action; acknowledging cognitions and diminished feeling expression; bibliotherapy and physical activity.; affirming and validating their process of adapting rather than criticising the lack of feeling expression.

Dale Appleby